Everywhere, blood stained memories

As I gently write through my tears

I realize I'm not living anymore

Life is no longer and option I possess

I'll take this to an unexaggerated sage to say

Everywhere there's pain

Not only blinding me but smothering me

Pushing me to the edge of my limits

I've lowered myself so far into this pit

I don’t know what the light feels like anymore

Don’t think I left the easy way

Don’t think I gave up

I didn’t

I fought for so long

I fought so hard it changed me

And not because I let it

But because I have no strength left for it

No longer able to deny it,

No fake happiness left available to cover it

So ill admit it

I'm depressed

So it the world satisfied now?

I said it

I have reasons, yeah

But like you care

I need something, help maybe

But something

I don’t want to be here At all

In fact, I'd rather be in hell

It would be less of a torcher

I can’t tell the ones who could help

Maybe it's better this way

I'm unsolvable and unfixable

Why do you try to help

Why do you stick around

You’re the only one who knows the real me

And yet you stay, you care

How can this be?

I feel like the fact I can report my situation

Like its in my crazy, mixed up brain

Like its delusions

But those thoughts that their delusions are wishes

Wishes that I could be sane

Wishes that you would let me say bye to you

So I don’t bring you down with me

Yet, you wont let me

You, more than anyone, want me better

You want me myself again

You threat to take action for me

You, sacrifice your happiness for my? My what?

Problems>? Why!

I try to stop you, no use

I try to fake you, tell you I'm okay, useless

Is it that you care to much?

Of that you want to get ride of the burden?

The guilt?

Ill never know

But I'll let you fix me, what choice do I have

11-25-10 thanksgiving