Friday, November 26, 2010

This you Can't Erase

This  you Can't Erase

Each time It snows I remember

Being so little
When I had a family
A mom a dad a brother

Getting served hot chocolate
Being tucked in with santa stories
I seemed to be so safe, and my world so serene

Christmas came.
Everything seemed usual
Untill the packing started
A vacation trip?

Then the screaming
And the fighting

We sat and watched

Our perfect little lives
Shattering before our eyes

You shipped us off
To grandparents
Without a clue we mourned

What would happen to us now>
So far away we are
We quietly sat
In this unknowing space
Akwardly we waited

He came often
And wach time we hoped he'd take us
But wach time he left alone

We spent much time confined here
It was fine
But I was so unaware of the outside world

They thought I didn't know she was in jail
They tried to tick and lie
And for  their sake
I let them fool me
At least in their eyes

What they thought of as protection
I considered rejection

Eventually he came back for us
We moved back into childhood
But she was missing of course

Several times he moved us
In with several different people
Each place and person just as bad as the one before

Finally, we crammed in with those of our lives today
It worked out, yeah
For the best? I'd disagree  

But every christmas time
I can't forget
These frightful memories
They haunt me like nothing else
They stick with me through it all

So each time it snows
Im a little girl again
Looking out the window
Looking for my savior.

Ps. I still am


From me to Mars

One day I took our photo
And gave it to the wind

One day I lay
And watched the sky
Creating characters
I watched float by

The clouds the paint
The sky the canvas
Now all that’s left, the artist

Its easy I tell,
Simple I persuade
To create
A whimsical parade

Take your hope
Take your pride
And please
Pace it aside

This is a journey
For yourself
So go forth

Some come easy
I'd expected
But for your wall
It's in the way

For me I ask
Do the task
Of taking it down

You don't need a crowd
For me to be proud
It's done either way

So now when you look at the sky
A story is told
In a magical world
Unreachable with  a brush stroke
But a mind is all required


Unexpected Comforts

Very young
I came to you
As a child, your with who I played

Growing up, your who I sat with
You'd watch every sunset without a choice

I told you endless stories
You speechlessly listened to each

You heard every dream, wish and worry of mine

All without a blink
Without a single distraction
And without regret

How you defeat pain
Made me wonder and annoyed both

Most of all
How nothing ever phased you
Angered me so

So there I’d sit with you
Afternoon and day

Accompanied only by the crows
It was my heaven

Or so I'd thought

I desperately wanted you to help me

I needed you to take away the pain

I expected so much from you
Especially after all this time

All I could do was react with anger

I asked you to run with me
Some place we could be free to live life

Thinking you would want to leave to
It angered me when you only sat speechless once again

I was taken far from you
Ripped from you more like it

My best friend, my vent
My silent buddy

Until now I didn’t know you as anything less

But now I know you finally as
A scarecrow, only.


Everywhere, blood stained memories

As I gently write through my tears

I realize I'm not living anymore

Life is no longer and option I possess

I'll take this to an unexaggerated sage to say

Everywhere there's pain

Not only blinding me but smothering me

Pushing me to the edge of my limits

I've lowered myself so far into this pit

I don’t know what the light feels like anymore

Don’t think I left the easy way

Don’t think I gave up

I didn’t

I fought for so long

I fought so hard it changed me

And not because I let it

But because I have no strength left for it

No longer able to deny it,

No fake happiness left available to cover it

So ill admit it

I'm depressed

So it the world satisfied now?

I said it

I have reasons, yeah

But like you care

I need something, help maybe

But something

I don’t want to be here At all

In fact, I'd rather be in hell

It would be less of a torcher

I can’t tell the ones who could help

Maybe it's better this way

I'm unsolvable and unfixable

Why do you try to help

Why do you stick around

You’re the only one who knows the real me

And yet you stay, you care

How can this be?

I feel like the fact I can report my situation

Like its in my crazy, mixed up brain

Like its delusions

But those thoughts that their delusions are wishes

Wishes that I could be sane

Wishes that you would let me say bye to you

So I don’t bring you down with me

Yet, you wont let me

You, more than anyone, want me better

You want me myself again

You threat to take action for me

You, sacrifice your happiness for my? My what?

Problems>? Why!

I try to stop you, no use

I try to fake you, tell you I'm okay, useless

Is it that you care to much?

Of that you want to get ride of the burden?

The guilt?

Ill never know

But I'll let you fix me, what choice do I have

11-25-10 thanksgiving

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Signs to Tell

It's not worth the keepsake
You only brought heartbreak

The tear filled cloud
Releases aloud
As if to make me drown
In the painful sound

I take a step back to look
At all that you took
From my personal existence
Noticing all your resistance
To me creating a distance

These are the signs that tell me
That you wanted us to be
A guarantee
As if you were already in my family tree
We wanted to sail the rough sea
Together. But now you disagree

Sometimes I wonder if you could still care
But the answer, I fear I can not bare
I regret only the moment I didn’t prepare
For you to declare
The affair
That turned to despair

These are the signs
That showed me the vines
Holding your hand to mine

So why do I try
To say a goodbye
When I know you won't reply
So I'm stuck on standby
While you slip on by
And I continue to cry

Today, is the day
I can tell by the steel grey
That I will sleigh
This fear from which I pay.
Regret? To late, this is one-way
So I'm cast away
To learn to obey

These are the signs I read
Of which I do not need
So I feed
This raging plead
Hoping it will let me succeed
To do this deed
Made me bleed
Although, not from the greed
I agreed
To proceed

So I take this trust
That turned to dust
And annihilate it with disgust

So I tear until they are no more,
Oh what the galore
Of letting go finally
What the irony,
You wanting me back privately

I had to use my magic
For this was drastic,
But you were tragic

So now that I'm alone
I think ill postpone
My life

My eyes allow
Me to see now

And I applaud
Because its finally more than just your fraud


Saturday, November 20, 2010

Puddle of Pain

As I lay there in the snow
I let it swallow me
Numbing my every emotion
Quiet engulfs my serene world
Leaving me with a fresh force field

As I lay
Reality seeps to me
As the sun rays hit

Reversing my world
Everywhere there's memories'
Flooding in like a storm

I toss right
And turn left
Facing nothing different either way

The numbness starts to melt away
Leaving me soaked and cold
As I grow sick and sicker
It doesn't fade
Only begins to spread

Quiet turned to unheard screams
Why listen
To a voiceless torcher

My angels fled
Knowing hope left long ago
But their reminisce still glow
 like the distant ghost of our past
But far far away.
Each drop my face sheds
Only adds to my drowning
As if he does this on purpose
To have me kill myself

No longer can I wait
I want out of this waste
Out of this lifeless soul
Out of this hell im trapped in

Drowning uselessly.
Considering im long dead
Long gone
And far forgotten.


Monday, November 15, 2010

Our Memories Bring you Back to Me

               This is more than words
          This is more than poetry
     This, Is a story

When I first laid eyes…
You smiled like you could never cry
You danced like no one on earth judged
But most of all,
Your eyes, said much more

Your  eyes…
They smiled like you lips
They shinned brighter than the sun
But most of all
They show straight to your soul

Your soul…
Over came me
Made me work to catch breath
It was as pure as a first snow

Before I met you
Before we spoke
Before we touched

I feel deep in that soul

I gave you my all
Consumed in you,
You let me swim
In your life,
You let it engulf me
And so did I

Our lives merged
 to what seemed like one dream

Then the day came
It happened so quick
It came and went
Death had never moves so fast
I'm sure.

That day she left,
Took my soul
And I was left with hers
Lifeless, as it was
Just like her

I was left alone
Even without myself

No part of me wanted to stay here
But id promised you once I would
So for you..
I suffer

When it rains
You come back to me
Your there with me,
Dancing again
Laughing again

When it rains,
 I feel life again.

When it rains,
You can't see me cry

But I can tell you feel my pain

You are more than love,
You are me
Through and through

No divide
No separation
No choice

Your you,
and I'm me,
But together
We are each other

So ill meet you
Someday again

Until then,
Let it rain.


Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Get A Clue.

what can I say, its you I'm missing
And that’s including your kissing

You take my hand
Lead me to your band

You let me show you to dance
Although yours looked more like a prance

You took the pain
Like it was no game

You knew me so well
Although you never did dwell
On all I threw at you
Even when you didn’t have a clue

You took it all
Every call
And every fall

But now its my turn
So I take your burns

No matter how offen
Or whether they take me to my coffin

I'm here, like expected
Your not, don’t worry I don’t feel neglected

You left me in light
Whether that was a bright night
I couldn’t tell
But  I shall shell
These memories away
By day
Either way.

We never were on the right page
I was locked away in a cage
While she could roam
All on her own

Missing a key
Wishing I could flee
I'm sure you don’t agree

Leaving was my greatest plan
Instead I join this heartbroken clan
Of those like me in no way
Only to say
That their on my wavelength
When really they still had strength

I still love you.
And yet you have no clue

I always did
Even when it was forbid

There was always choices
For some reason the voices
Told you I was bad
Making me so mad..

I wept
While friends swept
My tears containing
All the straining
Of taking a look
At your open book

To know I'm not inside
Wow, I could of died

I held on because you didn’t leave
But what is there to believe
When you were never here to begin
I cant even think about a grin

I want only your pride
But this great divide
Is cast aside
For your new bride

Why I still hope, ill never know
I realize I should just go
But my feet, tell me no
My heart is aglow
With the joy I feel
But I suppose ill have to deal
Just not today.
Not while I pray

Talk to me, you do
Even if sights are few

Just know I love you
So much. You have no clue

I must not be the one for you
When there's not shoe
To fit.
No room for it.
No clue
On your mind
In there, everything is so confined

I love you like you don’t know
I flutter full, of feeling from long ago

My wings,
You tied with strings

My hope,
You strangled with rope

My dreams,
You tore with screams

Oh how you took my heart,
From the start,
Only to leave it pierced with your destructive dart

I love you like you have no clue.
If only my little heart
Could be simply fixed with glue
But its cold,
No longer bold,
Covered in blue
From inside to you

I love you like you don’t know.
I love you like you wont go.
I love you like I always did.
I love you like it was always forbid.

I love you.
Like you have no clue.

So this I embed,
Oh how I've bled
From the day you fled

This could go on for so long
But I'm not that strong

This could be your break
Now you know I'm not fake
No need for a stake
 I already ache
And I am awake

I love you.

Get a clue.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Place Me back on my Safe Shelf

Put me back
Throw me away
You'll see what your missing
Once I'm dissolved
But its what you deserve
For not letting me go
On my own
Through life
Through my journey

To walk the path of my dreams
And broken glass
Your wings carry me far
In the wrong direction
No matter how I scream
No matter how I jolt
Your evil over comes it all

To let go would be suicide
To hold on is definite death
So defeat is my only purpose

I have no choice
No chance
So I shall take this with dignity
All that I have left

Your rumors
They roam
But unaffecting toward me
I know you in ways they do not
So take me how you will
Just make sure of one thing

That you know I'm giving you this pleasure
I'm handing you myself
Not under defeat
Or surrender
But because its what I want

I have reason to haunt you now
And I shall
I will be your burden
I will be what you fear
I will try to be there always
But most of all
I will win.


Destroyed By Body & Heart

On the outside your tattooed
But in your eyes I see the innocent you
Scared and unforgivin
Why do you fight
No need to I'm here

You insist to feast on feeding bruises
You force the acceptance of you
Handing pain
To you, life is simply game
To defeat it target
To be defeated is destiny

No choice but to fail
Why not win
Over  those
With worse a destiny
Take over them
And you win
For now

This is not the way
We do have choices
But first you've got to open your options
Slamming your doors with bad decisions
Isn't  what to do

Listen to the ones who cared
Enough to shed a tear
Or drag a wound
Those are who open your doors
And hold your hand
Even if that’s harder then a cage match

Sometimes we must choose our fights
You need to take control
Like you once had
That now, others have over you

Good luck on which path you choose
Both are violent
Both, a massacre
Both end in death
But beyond there
Depends on now


Thursday, November 4, 2010

Clear, See Through, Meaningful

There I stand.
Up I look
Toward the sky
As it cry's on my face
Perhaps shedding broken dreams down upon us

Why, do I deserve your unhappiness
Why do I want your lifeless wasteland of hope converging with mine
Well if you could keep your own emotions
I have mine too
But unlike you
I cant just pour mine out
To be let down in drops
Millions of drops
Rain holds your fear, dead memoires and all of which I ask not for

Can you let a chance slip through
Just a smidge of hope?

I haven't met you.
But I feel like I know you.
Hold your emotions
Unclog that drain
Please let some light through
That’s all I ask

That I might get a glimpse of you
Before I go
And you to cope
With what you've given me
Through the drops
The fall often

Smile, so my days will be livable again
And laugh, so my week brightens

Don't change though,
The sky is blue
And for that to change
Would be madness
Like your perfectness changing would be chaos

There I stand.
Letting the ligh fill up my face.

There she is, with the clouds,
Among the birds,


Tuesday, November 2, 2010

My Little Jar of Reality

Oh take with me
And shove it in a jar

Each little bit,
To the bottom
For it to waste away
And desinagrate

Now, trapped all in one place
Your unwanted life sits
Churning, descending, to be forgotten

Unmissed, your reality waits to be released
So whom am I to keep it waiting

Come with me,
Get your jar
And accompany us
In a reality unleashing

Smash your jar with mine
Down this well
So once it reaches me again
Our pieces will be mixed
Our realities tangled
And peace
And closure
Far away

So come with me
To smash our little jars
Held by ribbon
Our name tag states
Its owner of reality

Lets smash our lives together
Take pride in our work
And not remorse over our little jars.

You & I
Mixed realities
So lets make plans
Because there's not undoing
What we've done
Because reality
Is reality

Is yours stuffed in  a little jar?
If so.
Come with me
Ill show you a well
Bring someone else
And they too
Will be a part
Of your little jar
Thrown in with the pieces

Be careful. My realities down there too.


Him and Her, She and He

As they sit
Two as one
In their isolated little shelter
Their personal world of creation
A secluded lake house
Capturing each moment
All window
The moonlight streams in
Continually blessing us
She and he.

Their love, accepted by and unknown angel
Petals surround them
And circulate with gratitude
Candles float throughout the stars
Reflected upon the water
Each beam of glorious color
A new hope
Each sparkle in their eyes
Containing a dream on the other side
The sky, cloudless it may be, but twisted with surprise
Moon so close to touch,
I felt her raging happiness
That was raving off her permanent smile
The scene, silent
All in sync
All in perfection
All because
Him And Her.